U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
