If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
