hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So. Much. Porn.
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