There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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