So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
