I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
