please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
