is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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