the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
This is classic penis vs brain.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Is Oprah even human
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
