The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
