Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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