i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
