I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
