Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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