Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
