She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
