I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
