Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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