you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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