in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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