just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
