its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
