If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
