can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize