Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
