Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
