I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
