mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You left your underwear on the fireplace
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And then my night got REAL pukey
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
