You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize