Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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