i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Randomize
