just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize