Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
