chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
