4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
