I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
