i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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