What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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