So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
