they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
