If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
