Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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