i love accidental penises.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
