If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
