there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
