The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize