As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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