Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Randomize
