The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I would ride that face into the sunset
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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