Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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