I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
