none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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