i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize