Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Four minutes until I can fart!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
