I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
youre lurking in front of me
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
