Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize