I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
