I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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