you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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