oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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