we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
