Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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