i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
